Fighting with Students...

Ok, this week has been light on posts, even though quite a bit has been going on, but I've finally found a few minutes to reflect and I want to start with something that happened this morning.

One of the difficult things about being a teacher is that you are constantly dealing with a variety of personalities and behaviors. At one point a friend asked if I had a favorite student and I thought about that for a bit and realized that not only do I have a favorite student (which is bad because you never want to favor one student over the others) but I have a least favorite student (which is worse, because I think it's easier to mask fondless than dislike).

The reason I think favoritism can be a problem is that there is only so much time in a day; I've already mentioned how influential I think a teacher's behavior and actions can be on students' perceptions of themselves and their experience in school, and having a favorite student puts the other students in danger of getting less positive attention, and therefore negatively impacting their self image. However, in a class of 9, I think there is less danger of some students being ignored altogether (which I can only imagine is a huge problem for teachers in classrooms of 35 - there simply isn't enough time in a day to have meaningful interactions with each student) and when I think about YB as "my favorite student" it has more to do with the ways I've seen him grow over the year, and my belief that under his initially quiet exterior there is a very smart, very funny little boy working his way out. And the other students aren't far behind as far as my belief in them and desire to encourage them goes, it's just that for some reason his quietness spoke to me.

However, the real problem is that of my 9 students, one of them, JY, really annoys me. And frequently not just in that expasperated sense, but in that "I can't believe you are treating people that way" kind of sense (she is the one who constantly fights with SG, and as I watch their interactions and her interactions with everyone around her I am struck by the cruelness of many of them, her insistence on calling out other people's mistakes, her quickness to take offense, her refusal to accept apologies, her haughty pouts). This is a huge problem, because it is a real struggle for me to maintain an objective position to ensure that I do not appear to be taking sides. It's also a struggle because ever since the beginning of the year her mother has been coming to me, distraught that her daughter doesn't have any friends. And what can I say? (Your daughter doesn't have any friends because she is horrible to everyone she plays with? I can't make people be friends with someone that mean?? Clearly, I can't say anything like this, I simply addressed over and over in class the importance of community and not letting people feel left out (thanks for the suggestion Mom), and it has become much better during the second half of the year - I would say they are all friends again.)

It is also frustrating because, as a teacher, I feel a responsibility to help these students learn about appropriate ways to interact (our Social Studies book had a lesson on Solving Problems that we have referred to again and again). But how do you teach a child? You can't simply approach her like an adult and say "Hey, you're being a jerk, cut it out". Instead, you have to model and reinforce positive behaviors. And do your best, but it can be freaky and uncertain and they will not always like how you do it and let me tell you, having an 8 year old mad at you can be terrifying.

For example, this morning we were reading about how to resolve an argument and JY raised her hand and asked if it was wrong, if you hit someone by accident for that person to say "He-ey" (in an annoyed voice). Now this is a continual behavior for her, she often points out other people's behaviors labeling them as wrong or bad, and not recognizing that she does many of them herself. During the year I have tried to reinforce the idea that we all make mistakes or do things we shouldn't so pointing fingers isn't a good idea. And today while trying to explain that it wasn't wrong to say "hey" or not want to accept an apology immediately, I chose to use a recent example of a fight between JY and SG where JY had done something similar - BAD idea. JY immediately shut down, head on desk, no response to questions, total block out.

Now as a teacher, or at least as a new teacher, when something like this happens I get a pit in the bottom of my stomach (I will never forget the first time one of my students, ES, went home crying - it's terror, will she be here tomorrow? will her parents freak out? etc.). I worry that I've done irreversible damage to the child, or that I've lost her trust, or that we'll never recover. (I'll save the stories of other fights for another day.) And this morning I felt particularly bad because I know that I often dislike JY's behavior (which, in my worst moods, translates to disliking her) and I wondered if I had been too hard, or if I should not have tried to use that example, or what I could have done to prevent her anger. But I also know that she has a tendency to pout and over dramatize situations.

But now, the question is what to do about it! She's ignoring me and everyone else. I give her an opportunity to talk about how she's feeling, but she ignores me, so I can either force her to talk to me, disrupt class, and give her a stage to vent or I can respond by ignoring her and moving on with class. So I decide to simply move on and see what happens. I pass out the next assignment. I keep the class's attention on me. I keep going, and in my head I'm thinking this is a gamble! What if she doesn't respond? What am I going to do with her? I don't want to fight with her! I refuse to fight with her! Now we're listening to a chapter from our story book, and she shoves her pencil and eraser off the desk. We're talking about the chapter, she shoves her desk toward the far wall. We're listening some more, she throws her textbook off her desk and pushes her desk farther. She's making huffing sounds. We've finished reading and now we're doing science. She shoves her desk into my desk. At which point, I pause, look at her for the first time since she started her pout and say "I am willing to let you sit there, but I am not willing to let you damage school property. I'm moving your desk over here (facing the side wall, back to the class) and you are welcome to keep sitting." She huffs but sits quietly. Finally, while everyone else is answering the science questions, she comes up to me and says, "Teacher, will you change my seat?" with a pout on her face. I move her desk back, and ask if she would like to do the worksheet about the story that the other students did in class now or for homework. She does it now. She then proceeds to answer the science questions with my help and by the time we line up for lunch she's smiling and laughing again. And during journal time after recess she even comes to show me in her journal where she's written "I'm happy today".

Whew.

I have survived the anger of another 8 year old. And I feel like I've been through a wringer! I don't know - I don't know what I should have done initially, how can I help this girl understand and see her behavior? Maybe it's not possible and not necessary. Maybe it's just something she'll grow out of. Maybe the only safe way to do it is through modeling. And then again maybe my example had nothing to do with it, maybe she was just primed to blow - an argument at home, or in school, or some other reason she was feeling particularly sensitive. That's the thing with kids, you just never know...